Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just gargled with NyQuil
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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