Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
