and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
