I seem to have left my pride at pride
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
