yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
