I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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