I could make wine with my vomit
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
