Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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