I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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