I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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