I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
