According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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