In the future we'll all be gay
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize