you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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