i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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