I just pynch a tree in the face
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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