today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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