Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
His nipple licking is glorious
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