her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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