just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
i think i just lost a toe
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
