Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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