Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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