Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
