Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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