just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
