it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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