3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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