what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
