the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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