I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
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