why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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