I met the friendliest cop last night
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize