The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
