I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize