If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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