I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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