I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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