Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
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