I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
