so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
