I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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