Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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