No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
