i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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