I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
