Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I want her autograph on my taint
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
