Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
