You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
