Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
