the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
