ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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