put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize