You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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