Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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