I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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