i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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