when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
